Writing From the Heart

I always find refuge in writing. It's the most powerful tool to simply express yourself without hesitation. It's the best way to badmouth someone without having to lose your temper and manners.

The past two weeks had been one of the most difficult times in my life. It was 14 days of emotional ups and downs. I broke up with my boyfriend and I felt a little empty. I cried for maybe five minutes and I realized I should put it to an end. There was no use crying over something that was simply not meant to be.

For months [even way before we broke up], I had been feeling alone. And what difference did it make now that we weren't together? I realized that life really is what you make it. You always hold the key to your happiness and if you want to be sad, then you will be. If you choose to be happy, you will always find several reasons to smile. If you choose to see black when it's all colorful and vibrant, it will simply be how you think of it.

It's just so funny now that I came to understand that the reason why I was so sad before [during my first heartbreak] was because I put too much emphasis on 'who I was not'. I always felt so small and little. Sometimes, even if there were so many chances and opportunities to laugh, I never took it. I always dwelt on the bad side and my life really fell apart. But the good thing was, I was able to pick up the pieces and start over again. 

Along the way, I met a lot of people. Some were simply passers by while others stayed for good. Those who stayed, continue to strengthen me up to this very day.

Well, here I am choosing to be happy amidst the confusion inside my head. I have come to realize that in my 18 months of being in the relationship, I have been living my life alone-- battling alone. When I had problems, I never really had someone who helped me ease the pain. I only had myself to help me heal the wounds, to help me patch things up and stand up again. Don't get me wrong. I loved him but I grew tired of loving someone who couldn't simply show you how important you were to him.

Now, all I know is I don't want to be in a relationship for a very long time. I want to be single and get myself on track before dealing with love again. I want to be halfway my goals and dreams, and right now there's this one guy who inspires me to work even harder.

I don't know how this will work especially that I never told him how I felt for him. Well, why should I? I'm a woman. Therefore, he should go after me and I think it would be such a shame for me to be telling him how I feel. I guess I will never get the chance to tell him. I guess it will be forever locked up inside.

He's very far from me now like oceans apart. I only wish I could see him again the moment he comes back. Now, all I have of him are memories to keep me smile. I will always remember the way he laughs and shakes his legs like a child just because he thinks something's really really funny.

I will always remember the way his eyes would shut close each time he smiles and the way he would look at me with such tenderness.